There were some fine movies released in 2010 – Inception, Toy Story 3, Black Swan and The Social Network come to mind. But for every Inception, there were four Alice in Wonderlands to drown out the brilliance. Without beating around the bush and padding shit upon the shit, here are the filthiest of the filthiest, the ugliest of the ugliest, and the bottom of the barrel. Presenting the worst movies of 2010.
10. ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Tim Burton’s billion dollar grossing blockbuster took Lewis Caroll’s classic work of literature and bastardized it into an over-stylized and ultra-weird bore fest that devolved from a coming-of-age story into a “Lord of the Rings”-style battle over Wonderland. As the Mad Hatter who alternates between speaking in a Scottish accent to lisping fits of rage, Johnny Depp gives what has to be one of the most annoying performances of his career.
9. REPO MEN
The concept of Repo Men is something straight out of a Phillip K. Dick novel – In the future, dying individuals are able to save their lives by leasing astronomically high priced artificial organs. However, if they fall behind on their payments, the company sends out its agents (called Repo Men) to brutally extract the organs from these individuals. It’s a great premise that is utterly squandered in favor of cheap thrills, gratuitous gore, ridiculously over-the-top acting by Forest Whittaker, and one of the most bizarre, disgusting (think bloodiest) sex scenes I’ve ever seen in a film.
8. THE WOLFMAN
Here’s another case of a beloved classic tale butchered by the remake wagon. Benicio Del Toro, who originated the project, may have been ideal casting on paper but in reality, is utterly miscast as the titular character. Del Toro spends a majority of the film brooding in a weird amalgamation between a Hispanic and British accent (“a yam what I yam”) while his co-star and fellow Oscar-winner Anthony Hopkins does the exact opposite – screaming, raving like a lunatic and chewing any and every bit of scenery he can get his hands on. Just about the only things worth watching in this bore-fest is the always excellent Hugo Weaving.
Unstoppable may not be the worst movie of the year but it definitely ranks up there as one of the dumbest. As I stated in my original review of the film – this movie is complete garbage. Worse yet, it’s actually over-rated garbage because for some baffling reason, most critics in the country responded to the film as some type of action epic. It’s a typical Tony Scott film – loud, overwrought, frantically shot and wildly over-the top. It’s silly, it’s stupid – it’s Speed-on-a-train without any characters to give a shit about.
6. THE BACK-UP PLAN
No worst-of list would be complete without a bad romantic comedy. One of two “surrogate mother” romantic comedies released this year, The Back-Up Plan more-or-less proved that Jennifer Lopez’ best days as a movie star are far behind her. It’s everything a bad romantic comedy should be: annoyingly cutesy, unfunny, unbelievable and filled with shallow, idiotic characters. It also features one of the most disturbing child-birth scenes in cinema history.
5. THE TOURIST
Here’s how embarrassing The Tourist is: It was nominated at the Golden Globes in the Best Comedy/Musical category even though it’s a romantic thriller. Come to think of it, there’s nothing romantic or thrilling about it either. In fact, I would argue that THE TOURIST is just an all-expenses-paid vacation for stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp who have the romantic chemistry of a brother and sister. Anything and everything about this movie is lethargic including the worst “twist” of the year. Just about the only thing enjoyable in this movie are the scenic vistas of Venice which doesn’t mean shit because I can readily switch to the Travel Channel if I wanted that.
4. GROWN UPS
Grown Ups is an exercise in cinematic masturbation. Adam Sandler goes to the studio and asks for a gigantic paycheck to fund his new project, then calls up a bunch of his has-been box office poison buddies, and finally proceeds to invite a camera crew to film them getting drunk, high, fart, and doing every idiotic thing you’ll find in a lowest-common denominator Adam Sandler movie.
3. THE BOUNTY HUNTER
Just about the only thing worse than a bad romantic comedy is a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Anniston. Add in sleazy Gerald Butler speaking in an atrocious American accent and you’re set for one of the year’s worst movies. The Bounty Hunter isn’t just bad, it’s unbearably stupid, cliché-ridden and just fucking unfunny. What does it say about Americans when this shit-eating film made almost $70 million at the domestic box office? A lot – and that’s something I don’t want to get into.
2. JONAH HEX
Jonah Hex lasts only 72 minutes. And thank God for that! If the movie had been any longer, the audience at the screening I attended would have hurled their shoes at the screen. Sitting through this piece of excrement was as enjoyable as a colonoscopy. Pregnant with bloody awful dialogue, an incoherent script, campy performances, cheesy visual effects, and jarring editing, HEX reeks of being castrated and cobbled together in the editing room. As I walked out of the screening of JONAH HEX, I truly believed that I had just seen the worst movie of 2010. I mean, there couldn’t possibly be any movie worse than this stinker could there? But then, two weeks later, I watched…
1. THE LAST AIRBENDER
M. Night Shyamalan’s epic masterpiece of agony and feces is quite possibly one of the worst movies of the 21st century. This movie is so bad that Michael Bay would scoff at it and Uwe Boll would embrace it as one of his. I hated this movie so much that I simply can’t find the words to express my feelings. Let’s put it this way – after watching this tripe, I seriously wanted to punch someone; preferably Shymalanadingdong’s smug face. The worst thing about this guy is that he really believes he’s making spiritual masterpieces. There has to be someone in Hollywood who can stand up to him and tell him that his time coasting on success of THE SIXTH SENSE is over right? Right? I mean, there’s got to be because at the rate he’s going, the next movie he makes is bound to send audiences to the trauma center. There’s nothing to recommend about this agonizing experience. Everything about it – the horrendous acting, the execrable dialogues, the embarrassing 3-D, the exposition-infested script, the coma-inducing plot – is fucking embarrassing. There was a time when Shymalan was a respected filmmaker who many expected to become the next Spielberg but time has proven that he’s what all his critics originally declared him to be: a one-trick shit sandwich.